The AnagramOff that SHOULD HAVE never happened
by captainwhiteshadow
Summary: Sequel to "What SHOULD HAVE never happened again". Voldemort and his crew are just trying to enjoy a relaxing day at the beach when 'someone' interrupts them. Now who could that be?  Warning: might offend some people, but that is not my intention


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A/N: Wait...you mean that last one was **_**actually**_** funny? Um...okay, well, here we go again then...**

**The Anagram-Off that SHOULD HAVE never happened**

Voldemort, enjoying a beautiful rainy day on the beach, sipped from his pina colada as he listened to a catchy tune on the radio by Jimmy Buffet that just seemed to fit the atmosphere perfectly. Beside him, Nagini happily played in the sand and munched on some fried mice. Voldemort had decided that he and his Death Eaters deserved a day off...after all, whipping slaves and commanding an army-err-_school_ of new witches and wizards was tough work. And what better place to spend their vacation than Canon Beach, Oregon in America: the Land of the Previously-Free-But-Not-Anymore-So-Suck-It-Beotches.

"Severus!" Voldemort called. "Quit stroking your cock and come over here! I fancy a swim. Bring me my floaties!"

Severus stopped petting Henry, his rooster, and rushed to his lord's side. He pulled a pair of orange blow-up floaties out of the fanny pack attached to his black speedo, and used an Inflating Charm on them. He gently pushed them up over his lord's biceps, and watched as Voldemort stood and sniffed the cool air in an undeserved triumphant manner.

Voldemort ran across the sandy beach, squealing like a kid, and cannonballed into the water. The water was shallow and he only managed to cause a small splash and find himself halfway submerged. There was a snort of laughter behind him, and two seconds later Antonin Dolohov found himself lying dead on the sandy floor.

Voldemort swam out to the deeper waters and let out a contented sigh as the cool waves rocked his body gently. When he was done peeing, he swam out a little further. He was about to call out to his faithful followers to join him for a game of Marco Polo when he saw the oddest shape beneath the water. It looked like a human with their legs folded up against their chest. Suddenly, the human-figure stretched out and seemed to yawn underwater (wtf?) before swimming up to the surface.

Voldemort cocked an eyebrow. "What in the-"

And with a great splash, a pale boy with long black hair and a _veeeeeerrrry_ familiar lightning-bolt scar on his forehead rose out from the water. He smirked. "'Sup Riddle?"

Son...of...a...shit-biscuit.

Voldemort could not believe his eyes. "No...why...but I..." The look of fury on his face could have scared a ghost to death. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STILL DOING ALIVE? I KILLED YOUR PASTY WHITE ASS SIX MONTHS AGO!"

Harry shrugged. "Well, you see, all this time I was just a dream of the Faith. And lo and behold, they decided to bring me back as a real boy."

"A dream of the _what_?"

"You know, a dream of the Faith," Harry urged. "Haven't you ever played Final Fantasy X?"

Voldemort gave him a blank stare. "Kid...get laid. Seriously."

"I know you are but what am I?" Harry retorted, sticking out his tongue.

"An asshole who just won't die and let me have some war and quiet," Voldemort replied, narrowing his eyes at the Boy-Who-Lived-Thrice.

Harry raised an eyebrow. "War and quiet? Don't you mean _peace_ and quiet?"

Voldemort deadpanned. He then gestured to a hilltop above the beach, where a wizard was beating his Muggle slave, and an old Muggle gift shop was being burned and spraypainted with the Dark Mark.

Harry grimaced. "Ah...eheh...I see what you did there."

Voldemort sighed, rubbing his temples...something he did quite often nowadays. "Alright, what do you want? Seriously kid, I get that you have like effing Jesus Christ powers of resurrection, but why do you INSIST on bugging me with them? Can't you go, oh...I don't know...screw that crazy Lovegood chick and go live on a farm somewhere away from all of society?"

Harry blinked. "Wait, you didn't kill Luna?"

Voldemort shrugged. "What can I say, she's a good laugh."

"You got that right, brother!"

Voldemort and Harry shared a long hard laugh and then stopped immediately and gave each other death glares.

"Alright you annoying four-eyed nuisance, it's time we finish this," Voldemort said.

Harry nodded curtly. "Then what do you suggest my shiny-headed snake-man?"

Voldemort gasped. He then sniffed. "T-that was harsh, man. You know how sensitive I am about the no-hair thing..."

Harry's eyes widened. "Oh! Damn...uh...I meant to say...my _crimson-eyed criminal mastermind_?"

Voldemort, becoming serious once more, declared, "We must have...AN ANAGRAM-OFF!"

"Bring it on, bitch."

And with that, Voldemort grabbed Harry's shoulder and they Apparated back to the beach shore. Once there, the Death Eaters who saw Harry immediately went hostile, pulling out their wands. Voldemort stopped them and explained the situation, and they nodded in approval.

"Wait!" Harry shouted.

"What?" Voldemort asked, annoyed that their epic battle was to be delayed.

"We need a judge," Harry pointed out.

Voldemort nodded, realizing the truth in that statement. He gestured for Lucius to come over.

"No!" Harry said immediately. "We need an _unbiased_ judge."

Voldemort rolled his eyes. "Fine! I'll be right back...stupidfuckingkid," he said that last part too fast for Harry to hear, and then Disapparated. A minute later, Voldemort returned with none other than magical rap sensation...Lil Jon.

"Alright, Potter! Let's do thi-"

"Wait!" Harry cried once more.

Voldemort held back the urge to AK this bitch, as he would probably just come back in yet another obscene and totally random way, and took a deep breath. "Yes?"

"What are the rules?" Harry asked innocently.

Voldemort slapped his own face and growled. Glaring through his fingers, he said, "The rules are: the two of us will take turns writing the other's name and trying to warp it into something insulting or humorous. Mr. Smith over here-"

"YeAh!" Lil Jon shouted with a lil' jig as he plopped down on a fold-out char next to Bellatrix.

"-will be the judge of our anagrams," Voldemort finished. "Now...let us beg-"

"One more thing!" Harry cut in.

Voldemort pulled out his wand, nostrils flaring. "I SWEAR TO HADES, POTTER! IF YOU STALL THIS BATTLE ANY LONGER, I'M GONNA SHOVE A HOUSE ELF STRAIGHT UP YOUR-"

"What happens to the winner?"

Voldemort blinked. "What?"

"You know, the winner," Harry said. "What does the winner of this battle get?"

Voldemort sighed. "Okay, let's see...if I win, you have to agree to take Lunatic Lovegood and go live on a ranch somewhere out in the middle of nowhere where I'll never have to look at your ugly mug again. And if _you_ win, I'll turn myself in and stop my reign of terr-"

"I want a Wii U," Harry said suddenly.

"Excuse me?" Voldemort raised his eyebrows.

Harry had a look of fierce determination in his eyes. "I said, I want a Wii U."

Voldemort was shocked. "Wow...um...I didn't know you swung that way, Potter. I guess you could run off with that Longbottom kid then..."

"No!" Harry shook his head. "The Wii U is the upgraded version of the Nintendo Wii game system, and it's _t3h s3x_!"

Voldemort slapped his face once more and grumbled something about buying this kid a hooker. "Alright, FINE! A Wii U it is, then. Now can we PLEASE get this over with?"

Harry nodded.

Voldemort stared at him skeptically for a moment, before deciding there would be no more interruptions and declaring, "Then let the first ever official 1994 Anagram-Off begin!"

The evil snake wizard began to write neatly through the air: _Harry James Potter_. With a quick swipe, he sent the fiery letters spinning in rapid motion until they rearranged themselves to say: _Hamster Poetry Jar_.

His Death Eaters cheered and hooted; Henry was all like, "Cock-a-doodle-_ohhhhhh SNAP son!_" Voldemort folded his arms and smirked. "How do ya like them apples?"

"They're pretty sour," Harry replied. "But try this on for size!" He chicken-scratched _Tom Marvolo Riddle _into the air, slashed through it, and though it was barely legible, it now read: _A Troll Overdid Mom_.

"_Ohhhh_ SHIT!" the Death Eater, Rookwood, yelled. "He be talkin' 'bout yo' momma!"

"OkAy!" Lil Jon yelled, and held up a small white board with a red number 1 on it, symbolizing that Harry took the point, because 'Yo Momma' jokes _always_ win.

Voldemort glared at his long-time rival. "Oh, it's on now." Another quick scrawl of the boy's name and he rearranged the letters to say: _Her Raptor Majesty_. More hoots from the Death Eaters followed.

Harry glared back. "I'm not the cold-blooded one here."

Voldemort deadpanned. "No, but you're an idiot who needs to study biology."

Instead of answering, Harry rewrote_ Tom Marvolo Riddle _and slashed across it, making the letters swirl and stop when they read: _Voted Immoral Lord_.

"I didn't vote!" Yaxley the Death Eater suddenly declared.

Just then, there was the sound of an engine revving. Everyone turned around to see a pimped out automobile speeding along the beach. And there was a brotha in a white suit and shades behind the wheel. As he drove by the group of Death Eaters, he pulled out an automatic and shot down Yaxley before speeding off like a boss.

"Oh my god! P. Diddy killed Yaxley!" Draco Malfoy squealed like a pig getting ass raped.

"_**YOU BASTARD!**__"_ Fenrir Greyback growled like a sexy beast. "...I was gonna do that..."

"YeAh!" Lil Jon shouted suddenly, making everyone remember he was there, as he gave Voldemort the point for most clever anagram.

Harry gritted his teeth. "Alright, top this!" Another semi-illegible _Tom Marvolo Riddle_ and a swipe of glory, and everyone now stared at an ugly red: _Tom, A Mild Overlord_.

Voldemort's red eyes flashed dangerously. "BITCH! I AM _**NOT**_ MILD! And who said you could use punctuation in your anagrams?"

"Who said I _couldn't_?" Harry answered philosophically.

Voldemort opened his mouth to retort, but could see no flaw in the boy's logic, so he settled for a low growl that gave Greyback a boner and said, "Fine. Two can play at that game, PLUS I'll take a leaf from the Book of Harry and give you a taste of second-year immaturity."

He scrawled Harry's name into the air and threw in a slash-mark before he swiped across the name. As the letters rearranged themselves, Voldemort _Accio_'ed a driftwood log and quickly used a Carving-Charm on it. The log carved itself into an intricate totem poll with the initials 'HP' and 'JC' set within a heart. And then, above the totem poll, _Harry James Potter_ had finally rearranged itself to say: _Harry/Jasper Totem_.

Harry gasped and narrowed his eyes. "That better not be Jasper Cullen's initials next to mine!"

Voldemort grinned sadistically. "The one and only."

Harry's eyes widened. "You crazy bastard...do you have _any_ idea how many fangirls could be lurking around to see this right now?"

An innocent smile adorned the serpentine wizard's face. "Yep."

"Ass."

"It's yours that Jasper wants."

"Pervert!"

"Oh, think of all that sweet, sweet vamp-on-wizard-tramp action."

"Just shut up!" Harry yelled. "Lil Jon! What's the score?"

"Well, young sir, I do believe Lord Voldemort indeed triumphed over you this round," the magical rap sensation replied. Everyone gasped in shock. Realizing his mistake, he quickly said, "Uh...I mean...YeAh!"

Harry frowned as the score changed from 1-2. It was time for round four, and he needed to even the score...but how? "Hey, Riddle, you go first this time."

Voldemort shrugged. "Whatever."

Another neatly-written version of his enemy's name, another orgasmic swipe-through, and loud cackles and cheers when Harry's name now read out: _The Terror Pyjamas_.

Voldemort was sure he had claimed victory with that one. But to his utter horror Harry didn't even look phased. In fact the little jackass was _smiling_. "Just what in the world is going on in that twisted little head of yours, Potter?"

"This."

He wrote _Tom Marvolo Riddle_ through the air once more as if he were having a seizure while he did it, and slashed it like he was cuttin' back Wal-Mart prices. And the monstrous atrocity that came forth was simply this: _Old Rat...or Devil Mom?_

Voldemort and his Death Eaters were stunned into silence. Lil Jon's shades shattered from pure wizard pwnage. Henry shit out an egg...which was completely normal in this situation.

"I believe I have proven my point," Harry said with a smirk.

When Voldemort finally regained his composure he glanced at the score. It was now 2-2, and this had gone on far too long. It was time to finish this. "Alright, Potter, it's time we decide who's name is truly greater. We shall write our first and last names only and then throw them at each other. The name that blasts the other apart wins!"

Harry nodded. "Just you wait, Riddle. That Wii U will be mine!"

"Harry Potter!"

"Tom Riddle!"

They each wrote their own name-yes, even Voldemort wrote his true name-and sent them flying through the air like canonballs. Everybody on the side watched in awe as the two famous names collided in slow motion and a massive explosion occured. Harry and Voldemort were knocked back, and no one could see anything for the longest time. And then the smoke cleared, and Harry and Voldemort gazed up at the winning name. But what they actually saw was a monstrosity created by the fusion of two great names.

_Toddler Try Rip A Mother_

...

...

...

"Um..." Harry began.

"Yeah..." Voldemort muttered. "I...I honestly don't know where to go with this."

"Should we just call it a draw?" Harry suggested with a shrug.

Voldemort deadpanned. "No." He held up his wand. "_AVADA KEDAVRA!_"

Harry hit the sandy beach floor, and Voldemort, determined to make it so that he would not return a fourth time, used a spell to pile a hundred pounds of crushing sand on him and impacted it. That would teach the little douche licker not to mess with the best.

Meanwhile, Bellatrix gazed at Lil Jon hungrily. "So...wanna get dinner somewhere?"

"WhAt?"

She scooted closer to whisper in his ear, "And then afterwards we can...have a little fun back at my place."

"YeAh!"

She stood up, taking his hand. "Then let's go, and maybe we'll see if you're not so 'Lil' afterall."

Lil Jon grinned, showing off his grill. "OkAy!...Let us proceed onward, madam..."

As the new couple walked off hand-in-hand, Voldemort sat down on his fold-out chair and sighed. "I hate America..."


End file.
